Todd "The Mouth" Harris and the IRL on ESPN

Beware, this could end up very long. In honor of Todd Harris' last IRL race on ESPN/ABC, I thought I would transcribe some of his finer comments. Since he doesn't understand racing, he tries way too hard to come up with something unique and falls all over himself.

Livin' Large in SoCal

Time to Warm up the Green Flag

Just how do you warm up a flag?

The Inland Empire????

Todd referenced California as this 5 different times? Never heard this one before.

Bobby Rahal Paces like a Nervous Cat

The Man, The Man on Four Wheels, Tony Hawk

Cute... skateboard... 4 wheels... NOT!

Too Bad I didn't have ESPN 360 so I could have had an entire race of Danica's in-car Camera which just happened to be pointing at her visor. Yup that sure would have been interesting TV...

Folks we are doing it Southern California style Grab yourself a fish taco and settle in because the surf is flat and the Indy Car Series has invaded So Cal. It's Go Time for the Toyota Indy 400.

I wonder how long it took for Todd to come up with this and did he read it off a card?

Miss Patrick says excuse me I'm coming right through.

Sad thing was that she was being passed by Tony Kanaan.

It's like there is 1 blue light special plate left and they are all racing for it.

Ahh... this is why I decided to copy these down... I mean is this guy serious???

Kanaan is a cool customer, look at the cool demeanor, his head barely moves.

Hmmm... how do you determine cool at 220 mph with a helmet on? I'm guessing the fact that his head isn't moving isn't really demonstrating that he's cool.

They talk about Real Estate in Southern California being expensive and Tony Kanaan has the best spot out in front.

I feel like the AFLAC duck... whaaa??

I'm pretty dim and most of my family knows that but I thought the best explanation I've ever heard of that was sticking your hand out the window while driving down the highway.

You said it!

Are the tires warmed up enough, or would you recommend Scott Goodyear that they stop this side by side stuff?

Ummm Todd, that side by side stuff is called Racing.

A gagle of drivers are coming your way.

Now I feel like a goose.

The Green flag returns from its brief hibernation.

Now I feel like a bear.

We are going to step aside and pay a few bills.

ESPN steps aside way too much and I don't think they are paying bills. I think the sponsors are paying for the advertisements that are actually paying for Todd's pathetic performance.

This is the kind of racing we like to see, Open Wheel racing at 215 mph. Indy Car Officials not so happy with this as it gets them to nervous time.

The first part of the sentence you got right Todd. The second sentence... what??? Nervous time?

He is a mover and a shaker, the craftiest of them all.

Nice addition to the broadcast Todd!

He is in the middle of an RHL sandwich.

Pat, may I buy a vowel? How about an A?

That is Vitor Meira deciding to roll the dice and take a shot at pitting out of sequence.

Wrong Todd... the leaders pitted the next lap. He was just the first to pit. Now if you understood racing and could actually read Timing and Scoring, you would have known that teams were getting about 40-41 laps per stint.

Ex-squeeze me. Hello. That is the 2-step Indy Shuffle.

I can't make this stuff up.

Who says real men can't wear pink?

Why can't you follow that up with an explanation as to why the 2 Target Cars were painted pink? Because you aren't a real announcer?

She's got the power to go 200, but she can only go 60.

Cute reference to the pit speed limiter. This is what you add to the broadcast.

Danica is in the middle of the proverbial Penske sandwich.

Mmm... Food... getting hungry!

They are like deadly vipers nipping at his heels.

Vipers nip?? I did not know that.

Now check out this segue. Dario Franchitti sits in second place and this week in Hollywood they made a big to do about the new James Bond search. How about Dario Franchitti? He has the accent. He can drive the car. He flies a helicopter and he is already married to a literal Bond Girl in Ashley Judd. He is the perfect fit. I'm sure someone from Hollywood will be calling me to see if I want to represent him. But he would be my choice for James Bond. Can't you hear Dario saying it. Bond, James Bond. Now back to racing action.

Seriously... I did not make this up!

Danica has moved up and now sits in 7th place and this is one busy young lady. We sit in the land of Hollywood and behind the scenes Danica did a great spot with ESPNs Dan Patrick. (ESPN breaks away to show the filming of a commercial.) On Board with Danica Patrick. Let me tell you folks I may have led you astray once or twice not intentionally, but believe me when I tell you, you do not want to miss the world premiere of the Danica and Dan Patrick piece we are going to run right after this commercial. (After 3 minutes of commercials, ESPN runs the ESPN commercial) I say pull out the Oscar. Without saying a word, Danica stole the show. Another sportscenter classic. I'll take Danica over Dan's hybrid any day of the week and twice on Sunday which it is today and Danica is on the move sitting in 7th place.

Okay, funny piece... but enough already on the Danica overload.

I'm all about saving some coin at the pump.

This was in reference to Goodyear talking about the IRL using Ethanol in their racing fuel starting next year. Ummm Todd, how does that save you coin at the pump?

It's the last 50 laps here at Fontana!

Umm Todd, it is lap 117 of 200. A bit premature with that comment.

It's no fluke that Tomas Scheckter is leading at the half way point. He has led the last 4 races at Fontana at the half way point, but no one has ever won after leading at the half way point here. But then again Notre Dame had never lost in their green jerseys and that happened yesterday.

Nice comparison Todd.

Now it is Andretti Green's time to shine!

Yawn...

We have gone complete full circle as your pole sitter is now back on top.

Pole Sitter! Meanwhile Scheckter went from 15th to 6th in 4 laps after running out of fuel and the doofuses didn't even talk about it. That and they totally missed the fact that the team ran Scheckter out of fuel.

He is a greedy young Brit and would like to win another race. But earlier, the young man sat down with Danica and they played 20 questions, or truth or dare, whatever you want to call it but it is compelling television.

Thanks for informing me about that compelling TV... I wouldn't know for myself.

They say there is nothing on the line but pride and they all are looking for a big helping of that before we go into the winter layoff.

Who is they? That is just plain a DUMB statement.

Danny Wheldon decides to go up and check out the giggle weeds up in the grey area.

Giggle weeds??? Am I supposed to giggle at that?

If you were in that seat you would be coming in for a change of the firesuit.

Nice image burned in my brain... Thanks Todd!

So they have settled themselves down a bit and we have reached that magical moment when Scott says the last 50 laps we will keep an eye on that.

That would be an incomplete thought there Todd... voices in your ear get to you?

Andretti Green's 3 headed monster now rules the roost here at California Speedway.

What about the 4 headed monster? Did they cut that 4th head off?

Dan Wheldon is a bit froggy and you want to know why? It's because Sam Hornish is giving him the proverbial business.

I wish I would have bet the over on the word Proverbial... and what is Froggy???

Can she get her pony up to the front?

Does Danica have a new sponsor? My Little Pony?

Folks if you believe me on that Dan and Danica thing stick around because it is going to be a shootout.

Danica is in 10th... I don't think she will be part of that shoot out.

I just hope their room isn't next to ours. Are you kidding me if Dan Wheldon's room is next to yours you wouldn't be sleeping for 3 days.

Sounds like Dan likes to Party! Now this is some insight!

Its Genius time everybody? Scott Goodyear who you got?

Genius time??? How about grammer time?

Vince Welch who you got with 20 laps to go?

You didn't butcher it once, but twice in a row.

I've always liked the weather down in Brazil, I like Tony Kanaan. No one knows re-starts any better.

I like the weather in Arizona, but I'm not going to pick Buddy Rice to win.

You heard it. Green flag is out. Release the Hounds in Fontana.

I saw the green flag, but it didn't make a lot of sound. Where are those Hounds going?

I get the feeling there are no drivers orders Scotty.

Don't count on that... Michael just said Kanaan may not have enough gas despite taking longer to fill his tank that Dario did. Me thinks Tony is going to let Mr. Judd win.

There is some fish shaking out there.

Whaaaa???

We got a sig alert in Fontana as they are bunching up at 200 mph. This is the way you should commute in Southern California.

What is a sig alert?

Danica decides to go down to no man's land.

Danica, Danica, Danica

Look at Jaques Lazier flying the pink.

The only reason they even mention Jaques is because he is running near Danica.

She's got 2 bogies of Penske on her backside.

Yes he said that.

Tony Kanaan has shown a proclivity for not riding team rules.

Yup...

And James Bond 2006 Dario Franchitti is out in front.

Enough with the Bond crap... it wasn't funny the first time and it isn't funny the 10th time.

Scott you are a Genius. You called it, this racing was too close and too fast and it was a wreck waiting to happen.

Or it could have been Danica not giving any drivers any room... but that's just me.

In layman's terms, she had the right of way and he was just too stubborn to back off?

Of course... it couldn't be Danica's fault.

Tony Kanaan is the restart master and I have no doubt he is saying to himself I have been handed the golden goose. Watch this!

I'm watching, but I'm not believing.

Cinch up your belt and pull up to the table the feast is on at Fontana.

Now I am getting hungry again. I don't know why.

Tomas Schectker is unable to join the party up front.

Those of us that actually understand racing could tell that Tomas was the fastest by a large margin on long runs. But on restarts and short runs, he was just average. But you are too busy being witty that you wouldn't know that.

And the emotion just too great for Ashley Judd. The surf is up at Laguna Beach and Dario Franchitti is riding a wave to victory lane.

Wow that is just too much. Enough I can't take it any more.

I've been saying it all day long. That should be your new James Bond. Dario Franchitti.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

Someone shoot Ashley Judd and don't give her any more airtime. She is a FREAK!

What a bunch of crap at the finish. Tony had a run off of 4 and took the lead, looked over to the left and then let off the gas to let Dario win. The in car camera showed it and the sound gave it away. Disgusting! And then lying about it later is even worse. Tony I lost a TON of respect for you today. Next year I will be rooting for anyone but AGR.

And nice job Danica going off on Jaques Lazier in the post race interview blaming him for your mistake. You sounded childish!

I sure hope that was the last I ever hear of Todd Harris! I can't wait for next May and the 90th running of the Indy 500! At least being at the race I don't have to hear all the stupidity.

Oh and as a PS... thank you Stuart Scott for calling Dario Franchitti... Mr. Ashley Judd on Sportscenter!!!